A strange silence has been following me recently. Not a hollow, a silence. A contemplative silence that nudges me to think about the so many moments that while away in life. The so many minutes I spend in my past. The so many hours that go thinking about what the future will look like. A silence, that constantly threatens me with the bullets of time. That threatens to take away the carefree spirit I have been trying to nurture ever since.
The constant question that keeps nagging me is ‘what if?’ ‘What if that meeting did not go well?’ ‘What if I did not finish that assignment?’ ‘What if I do not end up anywhere?’ They feel like daggers hanging on my head, these questions. They tend to make me escape lack of company, they force me to escape thinking, and they lead me areas so unexplored that I feel scared of being lost and never being able to come back.
And yet, what is constant, throughout this phase of bullets and daggers, is the light I see ahead. The feeling that this is all a conflict and that beyond this phase of uncertainties, this alleged lack of answers and this stern silence, lies a land of green. Where noise and discussions won’t seem so scary. Where abandoning lies and uncovering masks won’t be so difficult. Where little by little by little my patience and persistence will defy these powerful weapons; and the peace I so constantly seek, will shield my tired self.
That is when I guess, this silence will be more insightful. That is when the questions that pop up so naturally, will not threaten me of an unnatural death. The dark cave I am so afraid of even looking at, will take me in and lead me forward. The present silence I’ve been shutting my ears to, will be a relief, from the world that offers setbacks and promises, together at once. And then, I’ll let the questions be, as they continue to hang in time.