I have spent the last whole month, struggling to find something to write about. This is the first New Year that my blog has seen and I wanted the first post of 2013 to be truly special. I looked here, there and everywhere for that so-called ‘inspiration,’ desperately, obsessively. I did not want anything less than the best for this one time. I wasn’t willing to compromise even by a bit. I wrote two whole articles (which is quite a big deal considering how drastically slow and lazy I am) and rejected them outright without second thoughts.
When I sat down to write today, I still did not have the ‘inspiration’ in spite of the various things I wanted to say. Obviously, I chose to continue writing. And then while I was scribbling unconsciously, my mind subtly whispered, “what are you doing?” My heart replied, “Nothing.” I got back to framing and reframing phrases in the next few hours, thinking and struggling to write, which eventually got me nowhere. I continued anyway. My mind came back again, reminding my consciousness, “You are wasting time.” I took a deep breath, exhaled thoroughly, was on the verge of feeling guilty, when my heart yelled, “So what?” And suddenly, my mind reverberated saying, “Exactly! So what?”
I might have not come up with any tangible outcome in the few hours that I spent thinking. True. But did I waste time?
I was carried to a million places and people in the “short” time period that I sat and thought, living all the beautifully spent moments again, and revising all important lessons yet again. Was I wasting time?
In those multiple drafts that were discarded, I discovered many small things that do not work for me creatively. While these speedily passing thoughts were educating my rationale in my seemingly stationary body, was I wasting time?
Amidst these silly attempts, when I fell flat on my face, realizing how pathetically disgraceful can a piece, written by me, be, but still mustered the courage to stand up and try again, was I wasting time?
Where did this idea come from? Who taught me not to waste time? More importantly, why did I believe them? Why did I believe myself if all this originated from me? Not certainly because it’s true.
Why are we doing this? Why has it become so important for us all to know before we explore? Why is getting things right in the very first attempt so important for us than trying various ways of doing things? Isn’t it a matter of concern that in this mad rush to achieve, prove our worth and get ‘the best in life,’ we are missing out on life itself? And if these multiple adventures don’t make up life, than what does? Isn’t this the wastage then, which we truly should be scared about?
Well I do not know of other people, but this definitely seems more hazardous to me. Therefore, I sincerely hope, that during those bazillion different endeavors that waste my time, I continue trying, without wasting my life.
Posting this is my first go towards that attempt. This certainly is not the best I can ever put and may be not the best credit to my current capabilities as well, but it gives feed to my passion for writing, which is good enough. How does the best matter anyway? I just hope that it leaves you as carefree and liberated as I feel after having written it. After all, I ‘wasted’ your time.
P.S. Have a Happy New Year! 🙂