Being an adolescent is not at all easy. People fill you up with so many advices, all so diverse in nature and so different from each other, that, a never ending confusion is created. And if a person like me, who takes almost everything seriously, is the victim, the results, are devastating.
For me, at times, for days together, quests continued, and the unanswered questions became the most significant things. Finding certain answers became important not only for my peace of mind, but also for my self- esteem. The way I thought about myself, became quite dependent on the way others thought about me. And on the top of that, as I grew older, I realised that not everyone is right. And then, another unending quest began, into deciding that who is right and who is wrong, who is true and who is lying, who can be trusted and who can’t.
From where I am seeing those times today, all those questions seem funny. Funny because I realize the extent of my self- obsession, at that time. Each of the questions put up above, define, how bothered I was, by my own “image.” And the most amazing part is that I was bothered about my “image” in my own eyes. Days went into ‘justifying’ one action that was ‘labelled’ wrong. Hence, the confusions and ambiguities! My competition with perfection was so intense, that my entire life was becoming nothing but a play I put on to prove to me, that I was correct.
But times have passed, and I have grown older. Thanks to some of my really good friends and the circumstances that I have been through in my life, the self-obsession has very gradually, turned into self-love.
You might just think that I’m one of those psychotics who has created a world for herself where I’ve renamed the obsession I have for myself into a more respectable term. I’m not saying that’s completely false, but then if you see things from my angle, may be you feel the way I do.
It’s not that I do not bother about being right anymore. I do, that’s my nature. But now being wrong does not haunt me as much as it used to earlier. Now that urge to be what is called as “perfect” has turned into being “better than before” with each passing day. Now when I’m wrong, I try not to justify it. It does not mean that I don’t feel guilty; it just means that now I accept my mistakes sportingly and concentrate on improving.
I do not focus on images anymore, I focus on reality. Because an image isn’t respected, people are. And respect according to me, is the very foundation of love. I no longer convince myself that “I’m good”. I give myself the liberty and time to win my own heart.
It does not mean that I’m not a psychotic anymore; it just means I’m a more realistic psychotic, beginning to develop my brains.
The illogical craving to be an unflawed mannequin in my head has now changed into being a better human being in real life. And I believe, such feelings can be catered to only by truthfulness; because it’s impossible to lie to your own self.
This is the purity, that draws the thin line between obsession and love, and I hope as time passes, I’m able to blend more and more of it into my life. After all, who does not want to fall in love with themselves?
Well… I completely want to… and I hope I fall for myself, very soon.